sábado, 11 de outubro de 2008


All my organs seem to scream in a unanimous howl . My body is revolting on me . It is mutiny . 'Cause when you're young, it's all really obvious . I mean, it wakes you up and makes you feel like death all day, and this is it . But when you get older ... You wake up and you think you feel OK for about ten minutes . And then you go into the kitchen, and the hand of pain slips into your bowels and grips you with its icy fingers and then it's much, much worse . It's unimaginable . Suddenly it sidles up to you and puts its arm round you and gives you this frozen kiss . You are there - fucked . All day . Several days ...

segunda-feira, 18 de agosto de 2008

boring boring boring

That’s for you, secondary school teachers: I was in Honours English and Honours History and almost all of us "intelligent" kids were so damned bored with all of your "productive" assignments that we became unable of learning real history; just social studies, like how to get along with the Bantus in South Africa – and I have never even met a Bantu, so what the fuck? Anyway, we were so bored that we all did drugs: Speed, pot, mescaline, cocaine, peyote, LSD… For God's sake! Teach us real grammar and real political history. It was profoundly thwarting to be a former honour’s student in college and not understand the purpose of a preposition.

terça-feira, 5 de agosto de 2008

the funk soul brother

I was in this bar, a few months ago… a terrific bar – completely empty! And this song came on, it was called “the funk soul brother”. And I’ll never forget it, even because it was all of the lyrics. I suppose it was part of that school of song writing, you know… very easy on the words, in case they get wasted, or I don’t know what’s the shortage, really. But it sounded like a million fire engines chasing 10 million ambulances towards a war zone, and it was played in a volume that made the empty chair beside me bleed!
Anyhow, it went like, “the funk soul brother… right about now. Yeah… it’s the funk soul brother… check it out now. It’s the… well, it’s the funk soul brother. Yeah! He’s coming… it’s the funk soul brother” … And after a while I kinda began to penetrate the meaning of the song, you know. I settled for something like, someone was about to arrive… and everyone was TERRIBLY excited… maybe he’s bringing a cake or something… they didn’t say.
But, you see, the thing was HE WASN’T THERE YET! Ha-ha… That was the hook!
And I’m not saying it’s a bad song, or anything like this… no! All I’m saying is that if you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls.

quinta-feira, 31 de julho de 2008

social competence

Hello, how are you ? Well that’s nice to know, ‘cause a lot of the time people lie, you know … When you ask them how they are, if you meet somebody on the street or whatever and say “How you doing?” They say “I’m fine, how are you?” And you say “I’m fine,” and then you say, “See ya,” ‘cause, you can’t really be bothered with human communication a lot of the time you know ... And if you tell people the truth they can often get very upset, you know … if somebody says “How you doing?” and you say “I’m terrible, I have piles, all my skin is falling off, I live with an old woman I don’t really know underground and we have to suck stones for money, and I have a very rare eye disease and this amazing collection of ming objects that got broken yesterday by a falling pig, everything’s pretty shit and I wanna die,” what will the other person say ? They’ll just go, “oh, ok see ya” ‘cause they … you know .


The whole world always hears “relationship needs” from the female side . But men too have their requirements and objections, like when we complain ‘bout the toilet seat they insist on leaving it lifted up ; we need it down, they need it up, so why don’t we learn how to work with it as well ? You don’t hear guys complaining about we leaving it down ...

Sundays are untouchable, almost divine ! Don’t create false hopes your man will take you to the cinema, picnic in the park, Selfridges or something . If you leave the house, you are going to the pub next door to watch the football match with his mates, and don’t persist in taking him for a retail therapy with you : Shopping is not a sport – and that is exactly why we like it .

Whatever you want him to do, just ask for it, make yourself very clear for subtle hints won’t work, strong hints won’t work, obvious hints won’t work . They are not like us, women, that when saying “no” we do mean “no” . When a man says “yes” is probably just because he didn’t understand the question and don’t want to get on your nerves asking, “what was that again?” By the way, these two short, opposed words are really enough and perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question . If they ask you whether you are or not enjoying your dinner, don’t go back in time saying your grandma, when you were about seven and used to spend your summer vacations with your grandparents in the countryside, used to cook something very similar except for the fact she used to put parsley in it, not chives, which is a very good idea for it doesn’t take the taste of the fish off . A plain “yes” is just fine !

What is more, to come to a man with a problem for which you just want to be comforted about is basically no more than a rubbish idea . If help solving it is not what you want, call your girlfriends ; blokes’ll give you clarification, not sympathy . “But babe, you’ve been saying the same things you’ve been saying for three years!” Also, whatever they say that can be interpreted two ways and one of these ways might upset you or piss you off, believe it : They meant the other one .

Another very interesting issue is when we get our hair done or buy some new clothes ; woman, for your own emotional and mental sanity, do not expect a man to realize the changing right away . They have a their very own, peculiar manner to notice these transformations … Which is not noticing whatsoever, except if you say very plainly what it is . Moreover, they all see in only sixteen colours, like Windows default settings . Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour . Pumpkin is a fruit as well, so pumpkin for the living room’s curtains is out ! Not to mention the donkey face you’ll get for mentioning mauve – they won’t have got the slightest clue of what you are talking about .

Under any circumstances you must ask what is going on inside their heads, unless, of course, you are prepared to discuss such topics as Star Wars, expensive cars, monster trucks, football, rugby or anything involving a bunch of dickheads running after a ball, and never, ever assume you “quite like” football – “I say I like it, not I want to talk about it the entire day!” And don’t be afraid to speak your mind : If you’re asked what’s wrong and you reply to it with a “nothing” – trusting they guy will act like a monkey, begging you to trust him – then they’ll act like nothing is wrong . Not because they are thick, though . They know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle .

And last but not least, you have enough flats, t-bars, boots, ankle boots, shoe boots, party heels, clutches, totes, bags, scarf, gloves, hats, caps, berets, tights, belts, sunglasses, dresses, skirts, trousers, leggings, blouses, shirts, tunics, coats, jumpers, cardigans, jackets … Whenever they need to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . Really ! Do not even ask if you are looking fat in that three-quarter sleeve, vintage style, lime green wool mix coat from River Island, cause if you do is probably because you are .